Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Death, Time and Excuses Change Everything

I'd like to warn you because this blog post will more than likely be very long. I have a lot to cover since I haven't been writing regularly on here or in general. A lot has happened the last few days, so I'd thought I'd share those things with you. Plus, I need to get some of the negativity out.

First of all, I haven't been following my writing goals at all. I can definitely explain that this last week was spent mostly on promoting the first contest here-the "Comment Contest". It actually had more people participating than I really predicted and that is the best I could hope for. I am still waiting on some of the winners' addresses so I can mail their books to them. I want to put pictures of them holding the books they've won up on here. It's corny, but just something fun I want to do.

I have been brainstorming more and more about giveaways, hosting authors and other contests I want to have, but I also shouldn't lose sight of my content and other things I am working on. Sure, it's awesome that I had people commenting in the Comment Contest, but I had to work extra, extra hard to get them to visit my blog! During which time I wasn't adding more stuff to my Associated Content or editing my novel, writing a short story for a contest this fall or getting my book of poems finished. Not only that, but I haven't had much time to promote my other writing.

I know I'm being a really negative nelly, but I'm just pointing out real things that are happening. I have been failing to see that even though it's awesome I'm trying to make others happy by getting them to my blog to win something, I should just be writing and letting my work speak for itself...kind of like I originally set out to do-especially with this blog.

I didn't want to be a shouting billboard---> "Read my stuff!!" LOL. But I think I have become that. I don't know. All I know is I am really behind on my writing goals and personal goals and I need to make some changes to turn that fact around. Because if you've been following my Writing Goals, you'd know that the next big checkpoint I have coming up is August 31, 2010. That's when I want to have at least 205 pieces of content (poems, articles I've written for clients, articles I've written on my own, short stories, etc.) posted on my Associated Content profile.

As of right now, I have 33 pieces od content. That means I am uber behind. I know, I'm stating the obvious, but I just felt if I made that very apparent that I might be embarassed enough to get my rear in gear.

Of course, it's not like I just sit around all day and say to myself, "Self, I don't feel like doing anything today, so I'm definitely not going to fulfill my goals today." I don't think any of us do that. What's my reason? Well, I have many reasons. The most popular are endless and random excuses that can all be turned over by any court of law. We all make excuses. Call it fear or laziness or just lack of motivation, but lately I have the ideas and the creativity lingering in my brain, but my fingers don't want to jump to action.

I think it also has a lot to do with that fact that I haven't exactly been myself. I have been really stressed out this summer and the other half and I haven't been getting along very well. It seems like we are never on the right page. Then, we could have a pretty nice couple of days and then one of us will say the wrong thing and it's like the trigger is pulled and defensive mode is on for everyone. Not fun.

It's probably typical behavior which is why I won't get into specifics, but it has put a very big damper on things. It's strange, though, because it's time like the ones I've speaking of very vaguely that I understandably feel very compelled to write. Like I said before, I have everything in my brain, but my fingers won't type it. The other night I was screaming in my head all the things I wanted to scribble in a note. I know it seems juvenile and silly, but how is anyone every going to fix something if they don't know how I feel whether negative or positive?

So that is an ongoing thing that I'm hoping will get better, but the pessimistic side of me says it won't. I feel so horrible admiting that, but it can be quite difficult when it seems like you're the only person in the relationship who conveys any sort of passion for the relationship. But I digress.

I was actually loathing this post simple because I knew all the things I would need to discuss. Just before I write a blog post, I map out and jot down the key points I will be covering so I don't stray off too far. The reason why I wasn't looking forward to this particular one is because of this last key point I would cover.

Sunday I had a family reunion to go to. Since my father had to work from home a little on Saturday, he had stayed back home (which is 20 minutes from me) instead of going with my Mom and brothers and sister. To save on gas and so we could spend 2 hours of driving time together, my father offered to take my son and me to the family reunion.

I loved that we could laugh and talk and listen to music together. We sang to my son and cooed at all the adorable things he did. We talked about everything you could imagine-even some really deep things about our family and other personal problems, etc. Every family has them.

We then got onto the subject of an ex-boyfriend of mine. And without warning, my Dad blurts out, "Well, you know he killed himself, right?" I am thinking back on this right now and it was probably the fasting thing I've ever perceived being told to me. I was so surprised and sad on impact that I skrieked a "WHAT?!....No!"

I looked into my Dad's eyes and I could instantly tell that he didn't know that I didn't know. He kept repeating that he was sorry and I knew he felt horrible, especially since we had been having such a wonderful time.

I began crying...a lot. The thing is, he and I had a lot of history together as most ex's do. But we had a much different kind of history. He and I met on the butt end of a very bad time of my life; my grandmother had just passed away, I had just broken up with someone I thought was the one, I had just moved on and away from him to a whole different state and I was dealing with my depression.

He was with me when I was pronounced medically dead. It wasn't a cry for help. I actually wanted to die. I was a lost soul who was sick and tired of faking the smiles that I plastered to my face every day. I decided to swallow 7 different types of prescription drugs. I couldn't even tell you the amount of pills I swallowed. I know it was over 50...over 50 pills that my doctors later told me would have killed a 600 pound man.

I never tell anyone this and I can't believe I am now. The thing is, when I heard about my ex killing himself, a lot changed in me. I couldn't believe it happened obviously, but especially when he saw what I went through, what my family went through and how it deeply changed everything. I was constantly seen as this broken, fragile little girl.

He killed himself March 20, 2008 exactly 2 years after I left him. I don't know any of the details or his reasons, but I have made my own theories.

Ever since I walked away from my suicide, I've wanted to get better-and I have. Today, I am a completely different person. Looking back, I don't even recognize the person and sometimes I don't even believe that it was me. I have changed for the better and I never want to put my body, my soul or my family through that again.

I also vowed that I would show others suffering from sadness, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc., that there are so many things you can do and so many people and places you can go to get help. I want to be an advocate of life and be that one voice that teens and even adults can hear as the kind words that stop them from making the fatal decision that would change everyone's future.

My ex has not future. I'm sad because I feel like I could have been there for him if I knew. But I couldn't have known because we weren't together. Then I go back and think if only he and I had still been together....then he wouldn't have killed himself. But I can't keep doing that. I know from personal experience that if you're going to do it, you will.

It's just when you break up with someone and you happen to live in the same city or even state, there is a possibility that you could run into them somewhere. At a local fair or festival or the hometown where you met them. That awkward meeting that usually takes place with both parties being with other significant others.

I think every once in a while about people I've dated in the past and often wonder how they are-I think we all have. You speculate where they are in their lives, who they are with. I never dreamed in a million years this is where his life would lead him.

So, this is where my head has been. If you have read this far, I apologize for such a long post, but I had to get it out. Thank you for listening and not judging me. After all-I am a survivor, and you may not believe in what I did, but I am only human and at least I am able to literally live with the mistake that I made....

Ava Elaine
Writer Extraordinaire
Please comment, click and communicate!
Read my content: http://bit.ly/bQYGXq


Jamie D. said...

Sorry it took me so long to get to this, Ava. This week's been hectic, but I did want to get back. :-)

Sounds like maybe you need to re-evaluate, as you said. You've had a lot to deal with lately...my condolences on that. But perhaps scaling your goals back to something more within your scope that won't stress you out quite so much might be a good idea?

I am the *queen* of overestimating what I'm capable of. LOL I make goals every week, and usually reach about half of them. It's fine, because it doesn't make me feel bad, I just re-prioritize or roll them over. But if your writing goals are making you feel bad/guilty - why not scale them back to a manageable level?

In any case, I hope you're feeling better by now (I know you mentioned just getting it out helped). Keep on keepin' on...and don't be too hard on yourself! ;-)

C R Ward said...

I’m sorry you’re going through a rough patch right now and hope things get better for you soon. It looks as though you’re on the right track though.

“I have everything in my brain, but my fingers won't type it” Yup. That’s me. Far more often than I care to admit. Maybe it’s my depression, maybe it’s just laziness. All I know is I can’t let it get me too far down or I won’t make it up again.

I used to post all my weekly goals on my blog and then I'd have an attack of the guilts when I didn’t reach them all. Now I only post my blogging goals and the few personal goals I know I’ll be able to reach. If I exceed them, that’s just a well-deserved bonus. :-)

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